oh my giddy aunt!


‘Hello and welcome to the Church of the Silence. I am Madam Kovarian, leader of the Church. As part of your membership to the Church, it’s important that you know about our enemy the Doctor. Our aim is to prevent him from answering the question; the oldest question in the universe.  And to do this, you must know your enemy well.  To help prepare your knowledge of this man, we have prepared a musical for you.

 Behold: Oh my giddy aunt!’ 


The curtains opened in a small theatre as an old man and a young teenager playing the 1st Doctor and Susan took to the stage. 

‘We must leave at once!’ the Doctor exclaimed. 

‘But Grandfather, we can’t!’ Susan protested. ‘We don’t have a TARDIS to use,’ 

‘My dear child, do you really think I hadn’t thought of that?’ he asked. ‘We’ll borrow one.  Yes, that’s what we’ll do,’ 

The Doctor dragged Susan off the stage.  When they later re-appeared, two dull grey cylinders now stood at opposite sides and a young, brown haired woman(playing Clara) dressed in dark red robes appeared. 

‘But Grandfather, they’ll never let us borrow a TARDIS from here! This is a garage,’ 

‘We’re not strictly borrowing. No, we’re not. We’re stealing a broken one, that’s all,’ 

‘But we can’t!’ 

‘We have no choice, my dear. We’re being hunted by own race. If we stay here any longer, we may perish. The law system is brutal,’ 

Susan looked up as the Doctor burst into song: 

It's time to try 
Defying Gallifrey
I think I'll try
Defying Gallifrey
And they can't bring us back! 

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone else says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Interfering with laws I think are wrong
Well, if that's life
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying Gallifrey
Kiss Gallifrey goodbye
I'm defying Gallifrey
And they can’t bring us back!          (1) 

The Doctor and Susan began to make their way into a TARDIS. 

‘Doctor! Doctor!’ Clara called and the Doctor turned round to face her.

‘Yes, what is it? What do you want?’ asked the Doctor, a confused expression forming across his face. 

‘Sorry, but you're about to make a very big mistake,’ Clara replied. ‘Don’t steal that one, steal this one. The navigation system’s knackered, but you’ll have much more fun,’

The Doctor and Susan walked over to the TARDIS Clara had indicated to them and the theatre lights dimmed as a vworping sound surrounded the stage. 


The lights brightened as a middle aged man and woman with 60’s hairstyles and smart clothing (playing Ian and Barbara) walked onto the stage, on which was sat a familiar police box. Slowly, the two of them entered the box and the lights began to dim again. When the lights went back up, the stage was covered with white roundels and in the centre laid a white console featuring numerous buttons, switches and levers. The doors closed as they stared in wonder at the console room before them. 

‘I knew you shouldn’t have gone to that school, Susan,’ The Doctor muttered.

‘Well, I didn’t know they would follow me here,’ Susan pointed out defensively. 

‘You should have guessed they would. You know what these people are like, child. When they see something strange, they’re curious to know more,’

‘But you are going to let them go, aren’t you?’ 

‘I’m afraid not, Susan. If they go, they’ll tell the police and we can’t risk anyone else knowing about our existence,'

‘But grandfather!’ 

‘Silence, Susan!’

The Doctor turned towards Ian and Barbara and began to sing: 

What are you doing here? 
What sort of intrusion is this?
To have me stuck in a problem
How can I choose to let you go free?
It was Susan’s hour at last
To have an education on this planet
Learn something at last
And keep us hidden from our race
All it would take was no interference from your school,
Education was her’s and she gave me a chance to hide!
Damned if I'll live hidden from my race
Damned if I return back to Gallifrey
I am the Doctor and the Doctor will not stop
I'll spit your interference right back in your face
This is something that we will now share!
It is either run or back to Gallifrey! 

To the audience: 

How can I now allow these teachers
To leave my ship free?
This desperate man in my space ship
He entered into my life.
He came with company.
I should have stopped Susan from going to school
But it was her idea
It was my idea to escape to Earth as well,
Now I live here, but live with two teachers 
And my thoughts fly apart,
Can these teachers be trusted?
Shall their gate-crashing be forgiven?
Shall their entry be ignored? 
And must I now begin to doubt,
Who never doubted all those years?
My heart is stone, and still it trembles.
The world I have known is lost in shadow.
Are they trustworthy or unreliable?
And do they know,
That entering my TARDIS today,
They may never return to their home world? 

To the teachers: 

You will stay here , and we will travel
And the time vortex is  black and cold.
As I stare into the scanner,
Of a world that I will not hold.
I'll escape now, from that world.
From the world of Coal Hill school.
There is somewhere I can  go.
There is a way I can go on.....          (2) 

The Doctor pulled the lever and a familiar vworping sound surrounded the theatre. The actors walked off-stage as an actor playing River Song entered. 

‘The Doctor, Ian, Barbara and Susan spent many years travelling together, visiting various periods of history including the Aztecs and stopping the plans of many deadly alien species including the Daleks and Voord,’ She said. ‘However, one by one the Doctor’s companions decided to leave the TARDIS, much to the Doctor’s disappointment. It was the departure of his granddaughter Susan that affected him the most,’